Guidelines for amateur actors.

All right, it’s sort of unsporting to complain about amateur actors. Yet, sometimes it needs to be done. So, here, free to all, is my checklist for the chemist, lawyer and therapist who are spending a few weekends a year with the roar of the greasepaint.

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  Learn your lines. It is courteous to the author, the other actors and the audience.
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  Don’t rent the movie. There is a reason Kenneth Branaugh does not just save himself all those tedious consults with designers and film your production. Hopefully, there’s a reason people put on shoes and paid to see you. Let’s not get the two projects confused.
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  The purpose of blocking is to make the activity on stage more understandable and interesting. If what you’re doing isn’t accomplishing that, stop.
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  Young actors (and prop people, and lighting folks) grow up. Some of them, God help them, grow up to be in the theatre. Try not to treat them as idiots.
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  Elves don’t do your laundry and pick up your socks here, either.
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  When they say, “There are no small parts, only small actors.” that does not mean that your highest contribution to the show must be some bizarre plot to make yourself always the center of attention while on stage. Plays are collaborative.
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  Yes, it is necessary to wear make-up. No, it is not necessary to do your own make-up based on a book you got from the bargain bin.
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  The lighting people are trying. If they give you a special STAND in it!
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  I don’t care what your day job is. That means accountants may not lecture house managers, teachers may not talk about historical underpinnings, and I’m not buying insurance.
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  Your friends should think you, and your performance, are the greatest thing since buttered toast. This is not the same as reality.
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  Reality is overrated. That’s why this is theatre.
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  Pick a pond and be happy fishies. Brad Pitt has challenges, too.
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  Local reviewers are nicer than average people, but they might not mention you.

Thank you for not being home playing video games and surfing porn. With all your faults, you’re making possible something that resembles, (however vaguely), culture. And that’s kinda cool.